Last night I had the great pleasure of seeing comedian Kathy Griffin perform live at New York’s Theater at Madison Square Garden. I’ve seen most of her comedy specials on TV or have downloaded them from iTunes, and have seen her live once before – at the Waikiki Shell in Oahu, Hawaii while on vacation two years ago. But this performance took the cake as the best I’ve seen her perform – live or taped. She was able to weave up-to-the-minute cultural references into her act which she wouldn’t have planned for the tour, move back and forth between stories with ease, and seamlessly respond to how the audience is responding without breaking a sweat or losing a beat. Even when referencing areas of pop culture I’m not an expert in (Real Housewives of OC, for example), she was able to make my sides split with laughter simply with her trademark wit, sarcasm and raunchy humor.
Now, onto the reason for this blog post. I’ve become so used to tweeting during live events lately that my initial instinct when going to this show was to actually live-tweet the highlights. However, since I was spending the evening with my girlfriend (and bought the tickets as a birthday present for her), and because I actually wanted to sit back and enjoy the show without worrying about how to capture something in under 140 characters, I wisely nixed that idea. Instead, I decided that I would later do a “Faux TweetCap” – essentially what I would have tweeted had I been live-tweeting the event. Since it’s a few hours later, I may not remember as many details, but here are the highlights. For the most part I’ve tried to actually stick to 140 characters per “tweet” but I may go over a bit. Don’t sue me. Warning: this post contains strong language and numerous sexual references, particularly of the gay nature (‘natch!). If you are easily offended you may just want to close your browser window now. For the rest of you, enjoy!
8:05pm. Lights dim, crowd roars, video montage of the best Kathy moments opens the show.
“Welcome to the four heterosexual men in the audience.”
“Where my gays at?” <hoot hoot>
“Where are my lesbians?” <Cheers from me and the three other lesbians in the audience.>
Surprised she acknowledged lesbians – last time she didn’t.
I’d actually prefer she just include us with gays. Kathy does have quite a lesbian contingent. She just doesn’t acknowledge as much as the boys.
“Where are the straight ladies?” Aaaand, the raunchy humor begins.
“Ladies, make sure you blow the men you’re with tonight – hard. I mean, until you gag. They’re going to deserve it.”
“We’re going to fuck this city up tonight.”
Shout-out to the folks who came to the book signing at B&N on Weds. [Unfortunately it was during the day so I couldn’t go.]
New Yorkers can get crazy with what they want her to write when she signs. She definitely had a few “Suck it, Jesus”es
Usually the ones who want “Suck it, Jesus” are women who are about to become nuns.
Kathy did a book signing in Greenville, SC. Man approaches: <Southern accent Gay Gasp> “Can you sign this for me… and my wife?” Kathy: “Your wife… Harold?”
Twitter mention! “Yes, I do twat myself.”
Oh, thanks tall couple for coming in late and sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
“Thank you for being Manhattan. Rochester and Buffalo can suck it.”
Did a show at Rochester Institute of Technology. 15% of audience was deaf. Kathy had the sign-language interpreters fisting.
It’s a great day to be a comedian. First order of business: Tiger’s BOOOOORING “apologetic” press conference yesterday.
“Tiger is too boring to get fucked this much.”
Apparently Tiger has “Ambien sex“. Kathy doesn’t know what that means. Maybe he fucks while he’s sleeping, which is why he’s so boring.
Kathy proceeds to imitate Tiger’s ashamed mother in the audience during press conf, with her head hanging down.
Stereotypical impression of an Asian woman. Kind of like Margaret Cho impersonating her mother.
When Tiger wrapped his car around his tree, his wife came out “to help” with a golf club and smashed his back window.
Kathy would trade to be in Tiger’s wife’s position in a heartbeat – rolling in millions and never have to blow that boring fucker again.
Next topic: Kathy’s run-in with Snookie. At the Grammys.
“I’ve had to fight and claw for the last 20 years to get where I am [red carpet]. And here’s Snookie. Interviewing me. Bitch.”
Snookie’s hair style is called… “The SNOOKIE” (Imagine an exaggerated imitation of Snookie’s voice… riotous laughter breaks out)
Everything is about GTL (gym, tan, laundry). Someone needs to add “S” for Shower. #jerseyshore
The Situation may have a great bod, but he stinks. Rinse, repeat: S is for Shower. #jerseyshore
Kathy’s mom Maggie, the global superstar, loves Jersey Shore, but doesn’t believe they actually talk that way. First mention of “Jesus H. Christ, Kathleen!”
Kathy dragged Maggie to be a judge with her on “Toddlers and Tiaras.” So D List.
Some parents start their babies as young as 2 weeks old – seriously.
There are two groups of girls on T&T – normal and “glitzed up.” And it gets more glitzed up (and fucked up) as the day goes on.
The most glitzed of glitzed are the JonBenet Ramsey extreme. Fellow judge tells Kathy “that’s what we call glitzed up.” Kathy responds: “That’s what you call dead in a week.”
That quote caused audience members to walk out the last two nights. Too much?
Segue… Kathy called Liza Minnelli up to rehearse lines with her for her upcoming role on Law & Order: SVU. [March 3rd!]
New Yorkers may be too jaded to realize because we probably see her every day, but Liza Minnelli is God. Kathy practically does the Gay Gasp.
Kathy’s assistant, Tiffany (from My Life on the D-List) is called onto the stage.
“Tiffany, tell everyone who you said Liza Minnelli’s mom is.” Tiffany responds “Audrey Hepburn.”
“And tell everyone where you were last night.” Tiffany: “Stonewall.” She will learn her gay history.
Next topic: Balloon Boy. While every journalist in the country knew it was a hoax, Kathy was glued to the TV crying. “Oh no, he fell!”
This type of juicy scandal is what Kathy lives for. #balloonboy
Kathy could watch Falcon puking over and over and over.
Seriously… what kind of name is Falcon? Does he have wings? Next Gwyneth Paltrow will name her kid Falcon. #apple #pear
Brief mention of Ryan Shecrest. She may be on My Life on the D-List next season.
On to New Year’s Eve with the “darling” Anderson Cooper, as Maggie says. http://bit.ly/alBA9Y
“New Yorkers, I know none of you would dare spend your NYE anywhere near it, but there’s this place called Times Square where the Asians and Romanians go to celebrate.”
During a commercial break, there’s a light brighter than the crystal ball that drops at midnight. Anderson to Kathy: What’s that?” Kathy: “J.Lo”. http://twitpic.com/14oah5
Kathy’s third year doing CNN’s New Year’s Eve with AC. They made her sign a “morality clause”. Of course, that made her want to swear more.
Consequence of swearing on CNN: Kathy would have to write the check back.
Kathy says “Fucking Heene” when referencing Balloon Boy on CNN.
Anderson’s Blackberry “blows up” (as the kids would say) at the commercial break.
“What did she say? Oh really? Are they going to keep it on the West Coast feed? Yes? Then fuck it.”
Kathy signed a confidentiality agreement that she wouldn’t say what happened to the money owed her after she broke her contract.
But, she had this “friend.” Let’s say her name is Kathie Lee Gifford. And after Kathie Lee broke her contract, she didn’t want the TV station – let’s call it CNN – to get her services for free.
So Kathie Lee made the station write the check over to the Red Cross.
Maggie finds out about her swearing on live TV the next day – not in the New York Times, but in her apartment building’s newsletter. Headline: “Kathy Griffin said WHAT?”
Jesus H. Christ, Kathleen. Mary and Joseph, get me a box of wine. Tip it! Tip it!
Back to Law & Order: SVU episode. Or as Maggie insists it’s called, “SUV’.
Yes, it’s a crime drama about Jeep Cherokees and Cadillac Escalades.
L&O exec producer Neal Baer created the role for Kathy. Apparently she plays a lesbian. [can’t wait!]
Kathy tries to shock one of the crew members, a tough quintessential Brooklyn dude, during filming: “I’m so tired this morning. I was up all night fisting.”
Crew member is not shocked. Best Brooklyn accent ever: <shrug> “Well, you do what you gotta do. Sometimes you gotta use the fist.”
Gay men and straight women are hot for Christopher Meloni (aka Detective Eliot Stabler). Gays especially after his role in Oz. http://bit.ly/b9YqqB
I can’t believe she’s not talking about how hot Mariska Hargitay (Det Olivia Benson) is. She needs to cater more to her lesbian audience.
Apparently “someone” called the paparazzi during the SVU filming on location in Manhattan. Oops!
Upon seeing the media, Kathy jumped into Chris Meloni’s arms. Her new Twitter profile pic results: http://bit.ly/cKyTNz
Mariska and Chris are completely unaware that Kathy’s show is reality TV.
Chris asks Kathy what happens on the show. “Well, the camera follows me around in my house and we go out and talk to people and film the gigs I do and and meet with celebrities. And I went to Iraq.”
Chris: “So it’s like the Kathy Griffin Show in your house?” Kathy: “Yep, that’s it.” To audience: “And I’ve got an Emmy, Chris Meloni, how about YOU?”
Filming from the SVU episode will appear on My Life on the D-List Season Six. Can. Not. Wait.
The Bravo folks don’t like it when Kathy talks about other TV networks, but there’s some serious fucked up shit on A&E right now. Has anyone seen “Hoarders”? http://bit.ly/c52p4g
“Hoarders” isn’t just your excessive clutterer. These people’s houses are floor to ceiling with feces and cat skeletons.
As an aside, my girlfriend is a social worker who used to work with hoarders. Remembering her clients. She can seriously relate right now.
Kathy’s having a field day with Jeannie, the chipper psychoanalyst on the show. “You can tell she’s gagging under that mask while trying to smile.”
Every item in the house has memories. “No, don’t get rid of the rats! They’re memories!”
Jeannie to the hoarder: “Well, how about we only get rid of 2 of the rats today?”
This is the absolute best part of the show. The audience is in stitches.
When Jeannie leaves, they’ve cleaned out one corner of one closet. Success!
Thank you and goodnight!